My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
RomaC
Deepest condolences for your loss. A truly difficult period for you.
Zamir
I am 74 years old and of Indian origin (male). I "grew-up" in an Indian (Hindi) record store which my father owned. When I was 26 years old (1975), my first child (daughter) died. She was 23 hours old. She was buried in Guyana. She lives in my heart. I felt, in my heart, the loss of your son. My other children are my son 46 yo, my elder daughter 44 yo and a medical doctor, Tufts University (psychiatry) and younger daughter, 41 yo and a board certified nurse. I raised them, in the USA (Pennsylvania) as a single parent, from ages 10, 8 and 5. I often feel I abandoned the first child in Guyana.
When I read about the loss of a child, it touches me deeply. My absolute condolence to you and Desi for the loss of your son. You gave him a wonderful life from the streets. I feel your tremendous loss at not having the pleasure of seeing him grow and blossom into manhood. Maybe it's too early, but a future adoption may ease your pains and that of Desi.
I stumbled on your blog and I have made it one of my home pages. I live alone and cook for myself, so your recipes will be a great resource for me. Thank you very much.
Mark Carpenter
What a massive joy to have had such a remarkable being in your life. My heart goes out to you as you make the painful transition to life without Jay, but his imprint will forever be with you. I send you deepest love from Dreieich, Germany 💚🙏
Liz
Hi Vaishali. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. 8 1/2 years is simply not enough time to spend with such a wonderful son. You an your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Gabriela
Dear Vaishali and Desi,
thank you for sharing your story with us. I was thinking for a while about what to say to you but I couldn't seem to find the right words.
Then I recalled a day several years ago; it was at the beginning of winter, late in the afternoon, the city centre was filling up with people. Some were running errands, others visitng stores or just casually walking. Shops big and small were brightly lit on the background of a quickly darkening sky. Me and my mom were on our way home, talking about various things, making plans for the upcoming days. Earlier that year a friend of mine suddenly died and the ambience of the evening made me ask “I wonder how Alex is doing up there in heaven? Do you think he’s looking forward to Christmas?” Right after I said those words, it started snowing. Beautifully, quietly. I believe it was his way of saying “Hello there, I miss you too”.
Now and then I look at the sky, I smile, wave and wish a nice day (or good night) to Alex and the rest of my close people who already moved up into heaven. I am looking forward to seeing them again one day. We are little people but our heart is capable of infinite love.
Take care
Leni
From the bottom of my heart, you have my deepest condolences.
Kari Samuels
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your tragic loss.
Marilyn Gardiner
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you are in. Be kind to yourself. Take all the time you need to grieve and heal. Life will never be the same but you will adapt to a new normal holding all the memories of your precious son in your heart. Sending caring compassionate hugs!
Marilyn
Anonymous
I'm very sorry for your loss. How devastating.
Amy
I am so very sorry for you loss. My prayers are with you.
Sue
I am so sorry to hear the news of your beloved son, Jay (Joy).
May time and fond memories heal yours and Desi’s heart.
May Jay’s memory be for a blessing.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
AA
Dear Vaishali,
This post broke my heart. Never commented before, but I wanted to reach out to say that I feel your pain. Your family, and Jay, will be in my prayers.
Many hugs.
Laury Kenton
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your loving memories of his time with you.
Janine
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Joy. Please know your community is holding you and Desi close and sending healing love your way.
Tina
Sending love and hoping things will be easier some day even if they will never be the same.
Lynette
My heart breaks for you. I've never commented prior, but your cooking is an inspiration to me as I attempt to follow a healthy vegan lifestyle. I know you and your family are in a great deal of pain. I'm so sorry.
....Lynette
Sheila Rajan
Dear Vaishali,
My heart goes out to you. I have never met you but I feel so connected to you since I have tried several of your recipes over the years & check your blog often. I wish you & Desi healing and peace in the time to come.
Om shanti 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Natalie Anne Nelson
Vaishali,
Please take care of yourself during this tragedy. I am sending love and prayers to your family as you grapple with the loss of your son.
Much love xoxoxo
JS
I'm so so sorry to hear this shocking news. I can't wrap my head around it. I only know Jay through your beautiful writing. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
Meena
I am an avid follower of your blog for years; even before Jay came into your lives Vaishali. I've known Jay (Joy) right from your first post of his intro. It breaks my heart to read this and am unable to express my feelings. Extremely sorry; sending prayers and strength your way. May Jay continue his journey onwards and upwards. Keeping you and Desi in my prayers....
Lisa P.
I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Jay is a special young man who brightened so many lives. This blog post is a lovely tribute to his life and light. His artwork is beautiful; thank you for sharing.
Vicki Stevens
Vaishali, I am so very sorry. What a bright light Jay was. My heart goes out to you. Please take good care of yourself. xo
Lisa S
I am a brand new subscriber and I am so very sorry to hear about the lost of your Joy. My heart goes out to you and your family your son was extremely talented and am soooooo sorry for your loss. Thos pictures were so beautiful and I hope and pray you can continue to honor his memory. Bless you
Jan Lee
My heart is breaking to read this, Vaishali. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing his beautiful spirit with us. As we say in the Jewish tradition, "May his memory be for a blessing." Through our memories and our sharing, his spirit and his many blessings live on.
Vatsala
Dear Vaishali
I am so sad for your loss! I kept checking your website and wondered if you had taken a trip to India. Instead, I read about Joy. A blessing taken away before his time. Sending you hugs.
Patty
I am deeply sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your beautiful son, Jay. Sending you, your husband and your family my heartfelt condolences and prayers for peace, comfort and healing of your shattered hearts. Sending love and hugs.
Ash
I'm heartbroken to hear this Vaishali, truly. Sending you so much love in this impossible time. My heart is with you and your family x
Kandhi Moonsamy
Dear Vaishali..so so heartbreaking. Take comfort from the scripture that says "Weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning ". Will be praying for God's comfort upon you and Desi...🙏♥️
Sandra
My heart goes out to you and I understand the grief and pain that surrounds you right now. He is your perpetual angel right next to you, guiding you always. This comes from a mother who lost her daughter 4 years ago. I can say that you learn to manage your pain as the years go and the grief hits in waves - But you learn to remember their beautiful soul and spirit and the more you remember the closer they are to you. Let go of the anger as they would not want that for you. For me, I have now accepted that this is God's plan. Still confused as to what it is - but there is a reason. Much love. Sandra
paula vik
I am so sorry about your son. I never know what to say at terrible times like this, so please just know your story touched my heart.
Suzette
I am so sorry for your loss. Do accept my deepest Sympathy. I understand your pain. You have many beautiful memories of your son Jay and they will help & support you through your grief. May God bring comfort & healing to your soul and to the souls of your family & friends.
Nadia
My heartfelt condolences to you and your husband. Reading this news my heart broke for you and I can't imagine the pain you are both feeling. Such a beautiful soul taken way too soon. But, what a gorgeous smile Jay has. Sending you my love from across the world.
Ina
Vaishali, I am so sorry and deeply saddened. I had been thinking about you when this heartbreaking post arrived. You and your family have my deepest condolences.
L
I am so very sorry to hear of your tragic loss. Thank you for sharing and continuing to be here in whatever form and in whatever time feels right for you.
Radha
Vaishali, I am so sorry. Tragic doesn’t go far enough to describe this. I can only imagine your pain and anger. Take care of yourself. Your food is a gift that you share and it makes all of our homes richer and warmer. I hope you can find comfort in your son’s memory. I wish you peace and love as you process this.
Radha
Your well wisher
Vaishali,
Very sorry to hear about your loss. Believe me, it's just not easy. Your son seems like a lovable child with so much talent who went too soon. He has so much to offer to this world. As they say, time will be the only healer. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hope God gives you the strength to face this tough phase in your life.
Guna Segaram
We were deeply shocked on hearing the news. Our deepest condolence to both of you and family. Our prayers and thoughts are with you'll. It's a very sad. May God Bless him.
steve
Vaishali and Desi, Very sorry to hear about the loss of Jay. Wish you peace in the most difficult thing a parent can ever imagine.
Lorie Ray
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take the time you need to heal from this and be kind to yourself. Thanks for all you share, sending love from America.
S
Over the years, I have read with much interest your stories about your family, both two legged and four legged, shared your joys and your grief. My husband died in a senseless accident last year, and I contnue to struggle, as I am sure you are doing.
I live in the mountians of Virginia, and if you should ever want to escape for a few days, you and your husband are welcome to come for a visit, I am vegetarian, have three wonderful older four legged family members with me, and love to have visitors.
Cindy
My deepest condolences to you and your husband. Sending virtual hugs from one grieving mom to another 💙
Kamala
Hi Vaishali, I am so sorry to read this.I have never commented and not made many recipes from here but still I loved the way you made such wonderful recipes to Jay and shared them here. As a mother I am so sorry to read this and there is nothing like the grief for a loved one. Please take care.
Jaya
Dear Vaishali, I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve followed your blog for more than a decade and enjoyed making so many of your recipes, especially for my daughter, who used to love them. I understand what you are going through. Your Jay sounds so much like my daughter Meethu, full of life, artistic, sensitive and fearless. I lost her in ‘21 when she was only 15. I still remember your first blog post when you posted a pic of Jay, whom you had just adopted, and remember thinking what an infectious smile the child had. I would try out every recipe that you said had Jay’s approval and she loved every single one of them. I still go through feelings of anger, guilt and general wretchedness, despair even. What helped me was to talk about everything I was feeling - to close friends and therapist/grief counselor even when all I wanted to do was to shut the world out and drown in my sorrow. My pets (2 dogs and 2 cats) and a couple of dear friends helped me get through the dark times. I am thankful you have a supportive community and wish you and Desi strength and comfort in the days to come.
Marianne Reynolds
Dear Vaishali and Desi,
I am so sorry for your huge loss. Jay sounds like an amazing human being--his drawings are incredible. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead. I hope you will find peace and solace from your community and your wonderful food.
With love,
Marianne
Linda Morse
I can't imagine the sadness you and your husband are feeling, as well as extended family and friends. That the world has lost this beautiful, talented and joyous young man is a tragedy. At some point, I hope you can acknowledge, and take some comfort from, the gift you gave each other, even for a limited time.
I am a grateful student.
Anonymous
I am so sorry for your loss.
Robin Jenkins
My heart goes out to you. I went through this nearly 40 years ago. Hard to believe as it is for you now, the pain will subside with time. Thank you for all your recipes and blessings upon you and your husband.
Magdalene
Jay is truly a beautiful being. I am happy that he was so loved by you and Desi, and so many others.
Thank you for sharing his extraordinary sketches.
Love to you Vaishali.
Luisa Anthony’s mom www.anthonyprudhomme.com
God bless you I know it’s hard. He reminds me of my son Anthony who I lost over 21 years ago he’s been gone longer than he was alive. In my world anyway I don’t know how I survive it but somehow I do second by second minute by minute hours turn to days and days turn to weeks and then years! Please listen to thug mansion by Tupac Shakur it’ll give you strength Anthony always said when is your time with your time that’s how I survive. I know he’s OK and that I’m going to see him again.
Joyce
Sending a (hug). Holding you and Desi in my heart and prayers.
Kathi
Vaishali, I'm so, so sorry