My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
Cindy says
My deepest condolences to you and your husband. Sending virtual hugs from one grieving mom to another 💙
Kamala says
Hi Vaishali, I am so sorry to read this.I have never commented and not made many recipes from here but still I loved the way you made such wonderful recipes to Jay and shared them here. As a mother I am so sorry to read this and there is nothing like the grief for a loved one. Please take care.
Jaya says
Dear Vaishali, I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve followed your blog for more than a decade and enjoyed making so many of your recipes, especially for my daughter, who used to love them. I understand what you are going through. Your Jay sounds so much like my daughter Meethu, full of life, artistic, sensitive and fearless. I lost her in ‘21 when she was only 15. I still remember your first blog post when you posted a pic of Jay, whom you had just adopted, and remember thinking what an infectious smile the child had. I would try out every recipe that you said had Jay’s approval and she loved every single one of them. I still go through feelings of anger, guilt and general wretchedness, despair even. What helped me was to talk about everything I was feeling - to close friends and therapist/grief counselor even when all I wanted to do was to shut the world out and drown in my sorrow. My pets (2 dogs and 2 cats) and a couple of dear friends helped me get through the dark times. I am thankful you have a supportive community and wish you and Desi strength and comfort in the days to come.
Marianne Reynolds says
Dear Vaishali and Desi,
I am so sorry for your huge loss. Jay sounds like an amazing human being--his drawings are incredible. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead. I hope you will find peace and solace from your community and your wonderful food.
With love,
Marianne
Linda Morse says
I can't imagine the sadness you and your husband are feeling, as well as extended family and friends. That the world has lost this beautiful, talented and joyous young man is a tragedy. At some point, I hope you can acknowledge, and take some comfort from, the gift you gave each other, even for a limited time.
I am a grateful student.
Anonymous says
I am so sorry for your loss.
Robin Jenkins says
My heart goes out to you. I went through this nearly 40 years ago. Hard to believe as it is for you now, the pain will subside with time. Thank you for all your recipes and blessings upon you and your husband.
Magdalene says
Jay is truly a beautiful being. I am happy that he was so loved by you and Desi, and so many others.
Thank you for sharing his extraordinary sketches.
Love to you Vaishali.
Luisa Anthony’s mom www.anthonyprudhomme.com says
God bless you I know it’s hard. He reminds me of my son Anthony who I lost over 21 years ago he’s been gone longer than he was alive. In my world anyway I don’t know how I survive it but somehow I do second by second minute by minute hours turn to days and days turn to weeks and then years! Please listen to thug mansion by Tupac Shakur it’ll give you strength Anthony always said when is your time with your time that’s how I survive. I know he’s OK and that I’m going to see him again.
Joyce says
Sending a (hug). Holding you and Desi in my heart and prayers.
Kathi says
Vaishali, I'm so, so sorry
Kathi says
I'm so sorry
Helen says
Words are not enough. I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling right now. I can only hope that the Universe sends you the strength to carry on. With love
Tanja says
I am truly sorry for your loss.😪 Its because I read your blog in the beginning with the stories of your son which made me try some of the recipes. The stories made me chuckle and indeed he brought Joy to I'm sure a lot of us. My thoughts are with you both, stay strong 💪 😘
Kathy Sherman says
This is just heart breaking to read…
Ivy says
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Vaishali. Jay was a wonderful artist and son, I am sure. Treasure the memories.
Gina says
Sending my sincere condolences for your great loss. Universal truth: time heals. Thoughts are with you.
Louise Menezes says
I was very sorry to hear the sad news, and I know what you and your husband are going through. Its very very hard, but he is looking down on you, and would not like you to be so heartbroken. I will pray for you both to get strength. with love and God bless you both.
Jacqui says
My heart grieves for you. I remember when you first adopted him. I have been a follower for a while now. Take your time. We will be here for you when you are ready. Much love and hugs.
Kim says
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you for describing him in such beautiful detail. A very, very special young man.
LisaH says
Vaishali, My heart aches for you and your husband. There is no greater loss than that of a child. The hurt will never fully subside, but through small actions and memories, he will live on in your heart. The daily routines that you once shared will become precious acts of remembrance and love. May you find peace and comfort in knowing you brought joy to your son and he, in return, shared that joy with those lives he touched.
Mabel Lean says
So sorry to hear about your son's passing. It's hard to go on but somehow we find strength to do so.
Tracy says
Thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.
M says
I am so very sorry for your loss, so sad & tragic. Try to take strength that you had the opportunity to give him so much love & security, & were able to nurture his talents in the short amount of time he had with you 🖤
Marie Krafft says
Anonymous 14 July 2023
Heartfelt Sympathy. So sorry for your loss. Prayer in times of loss is more than us reaching up to God and Him reaching down. It's Him sitting next to us, putting His arms around us, listening to every word, and holding us tightly through our tears.
Anonymous says
Keep telling your stories about Jay. I hope you are able to find a friend to walk with that will never stop you from talking about Jay. I have done this with a few friends and we have laughed and cried for endless miles day after day. Best wishes.
Lorna Law says
So sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Take care. Thank you for all your posts, I have been enjoying reading them and trying some recipies.
Shantee’ Felix says
Vaishali - This is heartbreaking, and such a tragic loss. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts about Jay, particularly seeing his artwork. I’m sending you light and love during this difficult time.
Ravneel says
So sorry for your loss Vaishali.
Ingrid Henderson says
I am so sorry for your unspeakable loss. Word fail me, but I hope that you will find peace some day in the good memories. My prayer is that God will grant you that peace.
Elizabeth-Anne Buonagura says
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
Anonymous says
I’m so very sorry for your horrific loss. I loved reading about what a wonderful young man Jay was. He sounds amazing!!! What a phenomenal child I wish you and your family peace. Prayers and love to all of you!!!