My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
Priscilla C Thibault says
So sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Jay(aka "Joy") sounds like a precious and amazing treasure. It is a parent's fear, to outlive their children, and you are correct that there is no "making sense" of it. Thank you for sharing such a lively and expressive visual and written portrait of your lovable and creative son with us. Sending hugs to you and your husband, and prayers up for you, your family, and all those who love Jay so much and greatly miss his presence here on earth.
Judith Davidson says
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain that has entered your life. Thank you for sharing about your son. He was truly a talented young man. Judy
Sandhya says
I have no words for the grief and pain you are undergoing. My sincere and heartfelt prayers to you and Desi.
Anna McNally says
Oh sweetheart I’m so dreadfully sorry for the unimaginable loss of your beautiful boy, there are no words, the loss of a child is the worst thing anyone can go through. Sending so much love to you all at this terrible time. ❤️
Sheila says
Deepest condolences. My heart breaks for you at this cruel news. Take care of yourself. The sun will shine again xx
Pamela Ferguson says
My heart goes out to you and Desi. Grief is a state of being that anyone who hasn't experienced it, understands. I lost my previous husband suddenly and unexpectedly, and recently (2 years now) my husband and I lost our son.
Please know, Joy is not in your past, he is in your future.
From: "A Powerful Word for Those Who Have Lost Loved Ones"
https://www.bible-knowledge.com/lost-loved-ones/
Pradnya says
Vaishali, I am in tears after reading your post about Jay, even though I had heard of the news earlier on facebook.It truly is not fair, to you, your husband, and to Jay. Such a tremendous, tragic loss. This might be the most difficult time in your life right now, and yet you found the courage to write this beautiful tribute. Thanks for sharing his drawings; he was so talented. Love and prayers for all.
Diane says
Oh my..I wish I had known him. What an awesome person.
Ingrid Gorman says
Such sad news. Thank you for sharing this. My heart goes out to you.
PamelaB says
Vaishali,
I am so very sorry to hear this. The loss of a child is immeasurable. And no one is ever prepared for such a thing.
My heart & thoughts are with you and Desi.
Take & do whatever it is that you need to process your terrible loss. However that may look for you.
However much time it requires for you.
I know it isn’t the answer for your pain and heartache, but you are not alone.
with love,
PamelaB
Vidda Chan says
I am sorry to read about Joy. What a wonderful blessing to have had such an incredible, talented, and sweet being in your life and how wonderful for him to have had you and your husband in his. Nothing can replace him but why would you? And only time can ease the pain. Sending love and healing to your hearts.
Dennis says
So sorry for you loss 🙁
Deborah Cheshire says
My prayers are with you during this time!!!
Kathy says
I'm so terribly sorry to hear of your loss of Jay! May God be with you and Desi through this awful time, and may He bring you comfort and peace. Sending love and hugs
TAMARA A STEIN says
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious son. There are no words that can mend a broken heart. Just know that I share your grief. Tamara Stein, Albuquerque, NM
Julie Johnston says
I am so very sorry for your loss. You are very brave for making this post. Your son sounds like an amazing young man. Sending you much love and comfort. <3
Karen White says
There are no words that can give comfort to you on the devastating loss of your beautiful son but I am thinking of you and pray that together with Desi you will both find a way to get through this.
You have written a deeply moving tribute. Jay radiated joy, and his pictures show how talented he was.
Richard Adhikari says
So sorry for your loss. His art shows genuine talent.
Kate says
I am very touched by your beautiful tribute to your son. My wholehearted condolences to you and your husband at this very difficult time.
Nupur says
Dear Vaishali and Desi- please accept my deepest condolences! My heart is breaking for you both. This is so senseless and tragic. Sending you so much love.
Yosh says
Can not even imagine what you’re going through. Take care and know that an entire community supports you and is keeping you in our hearts and thoughts.
Ami Brimhall says
So much love to you and your husband during this time. It is heartbreaking and incredibly hard and sad thing to bear. The joy and goodness that your son brought into this world and into your hearts will never leave. I hope you give yourself great gentleness and compassion and take as long as you need to do anything.
Mary says
I am so terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved son. There are no words… Just know you have my heartfelt sympathy.
Sue says
I'm so sorry about your loss, and send all my best wishes and thoughts to you.
Anonymous says
My condolences to you. I am truly so very sorry for your loss and your pain.
Lyndsey Goddard says
I am so sorry for your unimaginably painful loss. He sounds like an incredible human being who brought you so much joy and pride. Sending my love to you and your husband.
Linda T says
I am so very sorry to hear such very sad news. My prayers are with you, your husband, and all who loved your beloved son. 🙏🏻😢🙏🏻
Vicki Bauerle says
My heart goes out to you as tears run down my cheeks, Your story made me feel like I knew him. How lucky you were to have him for the years you did. I pray for you and Desi to find peace and always keep the memories close.
Stephanie says
I am so sorry for your pain, your heart must ache. I know this pain feels like a sharp rock, inside your chest and scraping at your heart. Your loss will never go away, but you will learn to live with it and be able.to think of your son without the terrible pain. My thoughts are with your family x
Deborah V says
I am crying as I read this. I am so so sorry for your devastating loss. Sending you love and strength. May you find the daily graces as you grieve and treasure the memories of your beautiful son.