My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
Ellen Bordman says
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful tribute to your son; I feel like I knew him.
Penny says
Omg Vaishali…I am in tears…such a handsome, talented, sweet young man…Oh I don’t know what to say! I truly feel for both you and Desi.. definitely not exactly how you feel. But know you all were Blessed for all the years you had him. This first year is going to be the toughest! But also know that he is there with you. Sending love and positive feelings to you both.
Megan O'Rourke says
Oh, Vaishali, my heart breaks for you and Desi as I read this sad announcement. I don't know how I would be able to cope if I lost my son, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have followed your blog for quite a while, and I have enjoyed many of your delicious recipes. I hope that time will allow you to heal and to move on with your lives, I am sure it is not going to be something you can do quickly. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Megan
Karin says
❤️🙏
Michele says
What a wonderful young man your family and the whole world has lost. There are no comforting words when a loving parent loses a child. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Jayanthi says
Dear Vaishali- l am so sorry for your loss! Nobody expects their child to pass before them! I pray that God gives you and your husband the strength to go through this difficult time with courage! May the sweet memories of Jay bring joy to you always!- Jayanthi
Linda Sandifer says
Dearest Vaishali,
With tears streaming down my face after reading your post, I offer my deepest heartfelt condolences to you & Desi.
I have an understanding of how you’re feeling & that makes me even more empathetic. I had a daughter pass away a few years ago & some days are better than others. Hold on, press on - Jay is closer in spirit than you may know! I firmly believe that Families can be together forever. Sending love & prayers to you!!
Frances Sheridan Goulart says
Oh I am so sorry. But in a special way. My younger son died in March after a short but painful illness that took us all by shocked surprise.
I feel your pain as only a mother who has just lost her son can.
Please take care of yourself. We all need your contributions to a better kinder world.
Frances Goulart ( Author of SUPER IMMUNITY FOODS and others)
JK says
On second thought there is something for me to say. First, your writeup of Jay above was beautiful and eloquent, hitting your heart's notes even while you are still gripped by a grief of bitterness that the rest of us cannot fully know.
The second thing I will say is that you are so obviously a genuinely beautiful soul. Even from how Jay joined your family in the first place (which I did not know the details of before). You allowed him to know family love and happiness that he hardly had been allowed to know in life prior, and may well never have, had you not come along.
Also your postings and pictures about your animals (not to mention your rescues of them as well).
You are a light in this far too troubled and ugly world. For me, with "not understanding", it's magnified when I think that it is most often those few lights like you, that seem to get the worst blows. No, I guess I certainly do not understand. But I pray you are allowed some ease of this pain, which you never damn deserved. Jay, in whichever better place now, will remember you and what you did for him here.
Janene says
I pray you will both find healing in knowing that God is with you.
Joanne says
How incredibly tragic and sad. There are no words that can comfort such grief. How awful to suffer this loss. Jay was blessed to have had such a wonderful life and family. Thank you for sharing his story. Let us know how we can donate in his memory.
Bernard Katupearachchi says
So sad to hear about your loss. He definitely appears to have been a great young man. A loss to you and the world
Delwyn Goodrick says
Dear Vaishali and Desi, There are no words of comfort at this horribly sad time. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy Jay. Your love was a gift to him and he blossomed with that love. What a wonderful character - so many gifts - in the way he made people feel, in his art, and his adventurous spirit; This is a tragic loss to this world, but I know most tragic for those close to him who loved him. How blessed you were to know and love him. I am thinking of you at this very hard time.
Jennifer says
Bless your grieving hearts. I send a warm embrace. Jennifer
Barbara Kumar says
I enjoy your food posts so much and I am incredibly saddened to learn of the tragic loss of your beloved son. I wish you peace and comfort as you grieve the loss of someone so talented and special. Om Shanti.
Danna says
This is heartbreaking and I understand your pain. I lost my 21 year old son many years ago. Time does help distance the depth of the tragedy and loss. I will pray for you and your family’s comfort.
Wendy Whiteman says
💔💕.
Kathleen Minch says
So sorry to hear of your loss. He sounds like a remarkable human.
LauraZ says
My heart is breaking for you and your family. Such a terrible loss.
Simeon says
Dear Vaishali,
Nothing, nothing is worse than losing your child. Jay's smile is so beautiful. The world needs such beauty, goodness and talent. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I don't really pray but sometimes I do reach out to something, I don't know what, and I will keep you and your husband in my mind.
Durga Soma says
So sorry Vaishali! There are no words I can say that can soothe you and your husband
I follow you with your cooking blog and my sincere condolences to you
Durga
Evelyn says
Very sorry for your loss. Bless your souls for embracing Jay into your lives. May he continue to ascend in all the worlds of God.
“ O my God! O Thou forgiver of sins, bestower of gifts, dispeller of afflictions!
Verily, I beseech thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world.
O my Lord! Purify them from trespasses, dispel their sorrows, and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness, cleanse them with the most pure water, and grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount.” (From Baha’i prayers)
Elizabeth says
I am so sorry. My heartfelt condolences. With love.
Jane Howley says
so sorry for your incredibly sad loss x
kj says
My heart aches. My eyes full of tears. A mother's worst nightmare.
Susanna says
Vaishali I am so very sorry for your loss. God comfort you
K says
What a beautiful tribute you have written about your son. He is obviously an amazing person. I’m so so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I pray you and your husband will find peace.
Kai says
This is heartbreaking to read. Truly sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this great loss. It is very okay to grieve the impossibility. Saying a prayer for you all for today and all the days to come.
<3
Maggie B says
Vaishali, thank you for sharing your pain and your "Joy" with all of us. In reading your blog I have always liked hearing what Jay liked or did not care for. I often wondered what kind of boy he was. And now you have shared a wonderful, loving description of Jay. Thank you.
Grief is so personal and unique to each of us. Even you and Desi may have different needs as you grieve the son you both loved so much. Please take all the time you need. We will be here. (I think I speak for most of us). And be patient with yourself. I hope you will be able to "listen" to what you need each day/hour/minute.
Thank you again for sharing who Jay was.
I am holding you, and all who knew and loved Jay, close in my heart.
Anonymous says
I'm so very sorry for your loss.