My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
Pippa says
I’m so sorry for your tragic loss.
And I know your feeling of loss will not go away,
but in time I hope you will be able to appreciate the time he spent with you and the time you spent with him and invite some joy back into your heart.
It sounds as if you were all very fortunate to have found each other and that he received the love he needed. And you found someone to bestow your love upon and give stability to.
No one know how long we have with others.
How lovely that you are able to look back and know that you spent the time together very meaningfully.
As time goes on may there be hope, joy and some deeper understanding in your heart.
Sending you love and prayers. Pippa 💕🙏
Nalukui says
My heart goes out to you and your family. This post brought tears to my eyes while at the same time a smile as you shared the joyous memories of your son. May his legacy live on forever. You have touched this soul from Zambia.
Peninnah Ackerman says
I am so so sorry for your pain, and wish you comfort and strength to get through this difficult time. May we all only have good news going forward
Judy Lewin says
My heart goes out to you.I am so very sorry for your great loss. May you and your husband turn to each other and give each other strength.
Daniele says
Love and support, Daniele
kath alderwick says
im so so sorry for u loss its so unfair when a young person that had years in front of them dies unexpectedly grief is unbareable u never get over it u learn to deal with the best as u can i wish u and your husband all the best as you learn to live a life without your precious son
Kamini says
I feel so incredibly sad to hear this Vaishali. I've loved reading your blog but have never commented or shared my appreciation for your amazing recipes. Jay, Joy sounds to have been such a huge and beautiful energy. Sending much love to you both x
Jeanne Subramaniam says
Deepest sympathies. I have a sense of what you're going to because we lost my eldest sister when she was just 19. Please take good care of yourself.
Camy Chatrooghoon says
* amazing young man.
Camy Chatrooghoon says
Deepest condolences to you and your husband. We will never understand why he was taken away so soon, God has his plans. May God give you strength in this difficult time. Cherish the beautiful memories and the love and joy that you had from giving this amazing young a life of love.
Lynne says
I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot describe the feeling of losing a child. The pain never goes away. Sending you much love.
Clara says
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband, I am so sorry to here of his passing but his memories will alway be there in your cooking. His life may have ended but his spirit will alway be there with you. Just keep talking to him, you will know when he is talking to you.
Thank you for sharing his story and for taking him home with you when he was a little boy
With love
Poornima says
Vaishali sending you and your family love and healing vibes . This loss is irreplaceable and no words of comfort are enough. Hoping time dulls your pain a bit and helps you heal and you can get some comfort from the fact that Jay truly brought Joy for everyone for the number of years he lived. Take care.
Anonymous says
I wish you peace and comfort as you live through this tragedy. The unbearable sorrow of losing such a bright light and beautiful soul will diminish over time. Living will become less painful, the grief will be there always, but you will eventually feel contentment and enjoy beauty again.
I wish I had words to help heal your pain.
Victoria says
There are no words of comfort I can offer. Just know that we grieve with you, we grieve for you. Thank you for sharing what wonderful light your son brought to the world. Take your time.
Susan Hamilton says
No pain greater than the loss of your child. His immeasurable joy will stay with you forever in your heart and mind. So very very sorry.
Annie says
My heart goes out to you and your family, Vaishali. There are no words to ease the pain, I know.
Ian Goldman says
Vaishali just read your blog and just want to send you love and good vibes from the universe. A child is irreplaceable. I want to thank you for your recipes which were a godsend to me when I first discovered I might have prostate cancer and I went vegan for a year and your recipes gave me feast food to look forward to. . I now am vegetarian but still use many plant based recipes. The cancer is in abeyance but I still have to be monitored. I live in South Africa so your recipes reaching wide.
Kavita Dass says
So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful talented boy. We, your readers are here for you x
Julie Falconer says
Dear Vaishali,
My heart is aching for you, Desi, and Jay. I'm so very sorry. What a wonderful soul and incredible talent lost way too soon. It doesn't make sense, and I wish there was something I could say to bring you some small measure of comfort. It sounds like Jay touched many lives during his time on this earth.
Namrata says
This is heartbreaking! Losing a a child is one of the hardest losses for a parent, this is devastating news. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.
Dori says
I am so so very sorry for this terrible and painful news Vaishali. Sending my deepest condolences.
Taj Pawaskar says
Sincere heartfelt condolences Vaishali, there is no greater loss than losing a child, an irreplaceable loss. May god give you strength to overcome this grief.
Danielle Johnson says
Your description of your beautiful son is so moving. Talent, personality, humor, he was the whole package. Thank you for letting us see him through your eyes and through your heart. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
Anonymous says
My Heartfelt Condolences to you & family. May Jay’s soul rest in peace 🙏
Kimberley says
I'm so deeply sorry for your tragic loss. There are no words of comfort when you lose a loved one. Even less so when that loved one is a child. Take the time, the space needed. We're not going anywhere. Sending you so much love and healing. Please remember, this isn't something you get over. You simply learn to integrate the grief into who you are. One day it will meld with the joyous memories of your son. Until then, be gentle on yourself. There is no wrong way to grieve
cheryl evans says
Thinking of you and your family at this heart wrenching time 🙁
Dee Webster says
Dear Vaishali
There is no recipe card for what you and your beloved are going through right now.
My heart is breaking for you and your family and hope that you continue with what you have started as it sounds like your beloved Joy was your best teacher and still is.
Sending big bags of love and light to you xxxx
Anusuya says
Hugs Vaishali, I am so sorry for your loss.
Krista Luoto says
I am so sorry for your loss. No words can express the grief that comes with losing one's child. I hope you are comforted by your memories of your charming, talented son.
Kristina Branch says
Oh, I am so sad and sorry --- it is heart-breaking, and somehow you have to keep on going with your love for him present and alive. He lives on in the people who loved him. His spirit is with you. My own experience --- for what it's worth --- is that I still have a relationship with the people I have lost. The connection is different, of course, but it is there, and it gives me comfort. The loss you are enduring is so huge --- but you must take care of yourself in the midst of the grief --- and find solace in remebering the extraordinary love you shared with him.
Linda Pesnell says
My Dearest Vaishali,
You have our deepest condolences. May God comfort you during this difficult time and know that He is always with you.
Love,
Linda