My darling son Jay passed away in an accident on June 20.
So many of you came to know Jay through this blog after we adopted him from an orphanage in Mumbai, India, in 2014. He brought so much love and laughter into our lives: laughter that has now fallen still as my husband Desi and I try to wrap our heads around this tragedy.
Jay was six and a half years old when we brought him home, a precocious little boy brimming with mischief, attitude and street smarts he had picked up during his hardscrabble early life on the streets of Mumbai. He was also extremely bright: astute and resourceful, fearless and sensitive, and never afraid to voice his opinion.
Early on we recognized he was gifted with a rare artistic genius: a talent that later got him into the county's coveted and highly competitive visual arts magnet program where he blossomed further, creating art that boggled not just us, his proud parents, but also his art teachers who predicted a great future for him.
I called him "Joy" because that's what he was to me. He swam fearlessly, raced his bike like the devil, loved the movies, inhaled trivia, and had a sophisticated and eclectic taste in music, from Vivaldi's compositions to Japanese anime soundtracks to Billy Joel to Eminem and even Kanye West ("He isn't all that bad, mom!").
After complaining incessantly about my love for old Hindi songs I once caught him blaring "Mere sapnon ki rani," an Indian movie hit from the 1970s, in his room. Embarrassed, he faked a nonchalant shrug and countered, "Did I say I hated it?"
Jay made friends effortlessly and could talk to adults just as easily as he could to peers. He was unstoppably adventurous at heart and afraid of nothing and no one: a trait that often landed him in trouble with his teachers who would write to me, upset, about something he had said or done in class. Still, they loved him for his effervescent charm and he often bragged, perhaps not untruthfully, that he was every teacher's favorite student.
He was also the most honest critic of my cooking. If Jay didn't think something was up to his taste, he would turn his nose up at it. It made me madder at times than I care to admit, but I also got the message. On the other hand he was also quick to brag about his mom's food blog to just about anyone who would listen.
Right now I am filled with grief and anger. There is nothing right about a world where something like this can happen. There's nothing right about my child's life stopping while mine continues. I will never see my beautiful boy grow into the amazing young man he was meant to be. My heart will never be whole again.
Friends and family ask us to take comfort from the fact that Jay lived a full life for the past eight and a half years, with opportunities he never might have had. But there is no comfort to be had right now. Still, I am so grateful every day for my community, which has risen to support us. Every day teachers, friends, neighbors from several streets away we'd never even met before walk up to us with stories about meeting Jay and being charmed by him. They tell us how he made them laugh.
I haven't done much cooking since that horrible day, but I am slowly getting back to it. I know Jay would want me to go on sharing my recipes with you, just like he loved sharing the cookies and cupcakes I made with his friends and teachers. I will get back to it soon enough, but for now I wanted to let you know why I've been missing these last few days and why I haven't responded to your questions and messages. I hope you will bear with me while Desi and I pull through this most difficult time in our lives.
Richa says
I am so very sorry vaishali. Sending you both love and prayers.
Berrie Cameron-Allen says
Dear Vaishali,
My deepest and heartfelt sympathies on the loss of your beloved boy. I can't even begin to imagine how heart-broken you and Desi must be. However you can be "Joyful" that you gave Jay a life filled with love, security, affection and everything he had missed out on during his earliest years. You all came together for a purpose, and spent your time living that karma. His spirit will be with you until you all meet again, reunited in the afterlife. Sending you healing energy to help you through this sadness.
Anonymous says
Oh my heart to you and yours. Tears of sadness in my eyes. There is no way to understand or comprehend loss and grief. Sending you a hug.
Sharon says
I cannot imagine the pain you are in. I am so very sorry, Vaishali.
While grief never goes away, it changes; we learn to manage it differently.
Take time for you. I plant trees for people who passed away -- consider doing a similar ritual for your beloved Jay such as lighting a special candle and holding him in that light.
Anonymous says
Dear Vaishali,
We are so sorry; this is unimaginable. Our hearts are with you and Desi. We pray for strength and comfort as you navigate this unbearably difficult time and path. Thank you for sharing a piece of Jay with us through the pictures of his sketches. You are right - what amazing talent. You will remain in our hearts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Leenu and Mark
Jonny Oz says
Thinking of you both at this very sad time, xx
Julie B Fitzpatrick says
My heart is breaking for you and your husband, Vaishali. I can only imagine the pain you are suffering at this devastating loss. There is a book, Man's Search For Meaning, written by Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived four concentration camps during the second world war. It is short and you only need to read to page 39 to find comfort. When you need something to distract you from your pain I hope you will find comfort in his words. Thank you for the joy your bring to so many with your recipes. I'm sending a big cyber hug your way!
Lisa Lewis says
Vaishali, I have been following you for years and felt in some tiny way like I knew you and your family. Such an unthinkable loss. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you and Desi.
Judith Eastwood says
What a wonderful tribute to your son. His artwork is beautiful for sure. I’m so glad he had a wonderful home with you and Desi. You enriched his life to overflowing, I’m sure. Bless you both! Namaste
Amy says
Words cannot begin to describe how sorry I am to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your family during this tragic time.
RL says
Just terrible and so wrong. I cannot express how sorry I am for you. Sending hugs.
Mary Ann Cappiello says
I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words that I can offer that can help make sense of this tragedy. But please know that your recipes have carried my own family through some very challenging times over the last three and a half years. You have become a part of our family mealtime traditions. And we will keep your son in our hearts and our memories. Holding you in the light.
Philippa Sonnichsen says
Dear Vaishali,
I am so very sorry. I am sure the hurt is too much to take at times. No parent should have to go through what you are going through. I'm sending lots of virtual love and hugs your way.
Philippa
Susan says
I’m so very sorry to read of the passing of your beloved son. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Jitendra Patel says
I am so sorry for your loss.our prayers and thoughts are with you and Desi during this difficult time.
Anonymous says
I am so very sorry for your loss!
Mary says
My heart is broken for you. I lost a 17 year old son (adopted from Korea) in 2012 and it was such a difficult time. You cannot describe the physical pain of losing a child to someone who hasn't experienced it. Hang in there. I miss my son every day but it doesn't hurt as it once did. Grief has a way of making you more grateful for little things and more aware of the hurts of others. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has changed me in ways that are positive. Hugs to you in this very difficult time.
cg says
So devastated to read this news of loss of your son. Prayers are being lifted up for you and hubby. Thank you for sharing these beautiful pictures done by this precious young man. God be with you. Maranatha.
Linda Joy Lewis says
Oh, Vaishali, my heart is also breaking for you tonite. I’m the one who sent you a copy of my cookbook EARTH ANGEL KITCHEN, after you gave me permission to include one of your recipes in my upcoming book. I had 3 sons, & got to know yours thru your funny little anecdotes about him. I am shocked that Jay (your JOY) will be with you no more..💞💞💞💞🥲. I wish you Peace…
Linda Joy Lewis says
Oh, Vaishali, my heart is also breaking for you tonite. I’m the one who sent you a copy of my cookbook EARTH ANGEL KITCHEN, after you gave me permission to include one of your recipes in my upcoming book. I had 3 sons, & got to know yours thru your funny little anecdotes about him. I am shocked that Jay (your JOY) will be with you no more..💞💞💞💞🥲. I wish you Peace…
Shanta says
I’m truly sorry to hear this sad news. No words can comfort and no act can bring solace to you at this time. It’s a parent’s nightmare to lose a child. He seems like someone who touched the heart of others. I pray that his soul find peace and may you have the courage to face the days ahead.
Grazyna says
So sorry for your loss. My love goes to your family at such a tragic time and wish you all healing and peace in your hearts. Such a beautiful tribute to a talented young ❤️ 💙 ♥️ 💜 💖
Carolyn says
My heart breaks for you, it's every mother's worst fear. We never know how much time we have on this earth, but it's a wonderful thing that your beautiful child got to spend his day with you. He got to know love and security, to be treasured, appreciated and have his talents seen and valued. That's all any of us really want, and that makes for a full life, however unfairly short it seems. May his memory be a blessing in your life, as your love and care was in his.
Jamie Amin says
My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you be blessed by love and friendship of family and friends to get through this rough time.
Heather says
My heart is holding yours close, from afar. I have followed you for years, and have felt the love and care you offer your family and the world through the food you create and share. I remember reading so many recipes that are "Jay-approved" - his love of so much of your cooking was so clear.
I hope that you are able to offer yourself patience and as much gentleness as possible. I'm sending you, your family, and everyone touched by Jay's life and death so much love.
Imelda Hill says
Vaishali and Desi,
Thank you for sharing this heart breaking time in your lives. Sending you both positive thoughts and karma. I am so sorry.
Mary says
There are no words I have to make your loss any less tragic.
All I can say is how very sorry I am and will keep you, your husband and all who loved your beloved son in love and light.
Anjali Javeri says
Hi Vaishali,
I am so sorry for your loss. No words can heal the pain yu are going through. So just want to say that I am there for you.
Pattie says
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Vivienne says
I am so sorry for your loss.. what a tragedy.. and I am deeply saddened.. so sad. May he rest in peace. You did an amazing thing adopting him Vaishali and giving him wonderful opportunities, comfort and love. God bless you.